Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse can be harder to identify and quite elusive. Emotional abuse can occur in any relationship — the most common being in an intimate relationship but can also occur between parent and child, in friendships, and with relatives. So, if it's so insidious, how can you tell if you fall victim to it and what exactly is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, confidence and trust in themselves and others.
In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value. It cuts to the core of your essential being, creating lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain. It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.
Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves. They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless. Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).
Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse usually occurs at some point down the road. The victim of the abuse quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress, however, the effects of long-term emotional abuse can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder as well as suicidal ideations and worst case...suicide attempts.
The best thing you can do is recognize the signs or symptoms of emotional abuse. Acknowledgement is the first step to freeing yourself of an unhealthy relationship. If you’re being mentally and emotionally abused, trust your instincts. Know that it isn’t right and you don’t have to live this way. Below are some examples of emotional abuse. If any of these strike a nerve...stick with us. You're not alone in this journey but you're in the right place.
Humiliation, negating, criticizing
These tactics are meant to undermine your self-esteem. The abuse is harsh and unrelenting in matters big and small.
Here are some examples:
Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “crazy,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here.
Derogatory “pet names.” This is just more name-calling in not-so-subtle disguise. “My little knuckle dragger” or “My chubby pumpkin” aren’t terms of endearment.
Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person.
Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things.
Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.”
Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public.
Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.
“Joking.” The jokes might have a grain of truth to them or be a complete fabrication. Either way, they make you look foolish.
Sarcasm. Often just a dig in disguise. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously.
Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success.
Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them.
Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get.
Control & Shame
Trying to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies is just another path to power.
Tools of the shame and control game include:
Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.”
Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be.
Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords.
Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking.
Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend. If you don't share bank accounts and pay certain bills in the home, despite whether you can afford luxuries, they are expected and you have to figure out how to cover bills you never had before.
Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.
Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary.
Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are.
Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see.
Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it.
Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells.
They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved.
Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “everyone warned me...Im stepping in fire dating you."
Accusing, blaming and denial This behavior comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom. Here are some examples:
Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them for absolutely no reason.
Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain. It's always you.
Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity. (And believe me...you'll feel crazy....BUT you're not. It's NOT you.)
Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.
Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.
Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.
Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim.
Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.
Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.
Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.
Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it.
Emotional Neglect and Isolation Abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of yours. Many abusers will try to come between you and people who are supportive of you to make you more dependent on them. They do this by:
Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street.
Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.
Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you.
Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.
Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions.
Acting like Mr. Perfect in front of your family. Yet you're afraid to open up and tell them how he really treats you and talks to you.
Withholding affection or expecting affection and getting mad at you when you don't deliver. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something. Or...they can tell you the night before to "leave...this isn't your house," but the next morning apologize and then be upset with you by the late afternoon for lack of affection yet you've been degraded the night prior.
Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship. If you ask about counseling...they won't go because in their eyes there's not reason for counseling.
Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics.
Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing.
Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all.
Codependence A codependent relationship is when everything you do is in reaction to your abuser’s behavior. And they need you just as much to boost their own self-esteem. You’ve forgotten how to be any other way. It’s a vicious circle of unhealthy behavior. You might be codependent if you:
are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives
consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs
ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner
frequently seek out your partner’s approval
critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts
make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated
would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone
bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace
feel responsible and take the blame for something they did
defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening
try to “rescue” them from themselves
feel guilty when you stand up for yourself
think you deserve this treatment
believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you change your behavior in response to guilt; your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay
What can you do at this point? Accept that the abuse isn’t your responsibility. Don’t try to reason with your abuser. You may want to help, but it’s unlikely they’ll break this pattern of behavior without professional counseling. That’s their responsibility.
Disengage and set personal boundaries. Decide that you won’t respond to abuse or get sucked into arguments. Stick to it. Limit exposure to the abuser as much as you can.
Exit the relationship or circumstance. If possible, cut all ties. Make it clear that it’s over and don’t look back. You might also want to find a therapist who can show you a healthy way to move forward.
Give yourself time to heal. Reach out to supportive friends and family members. If you’re in school, talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. If you think it will help, find a therapist who can help you in your recovery.
Leaving the relationship is more complex if you’re married, have children, or have commingled assets. If that’s your situation, seek legal assistance but know YOU matter. You are not crazy and you're not alone.
xoxo,
fly girl
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