What Not To Do When Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
Co-parenting can present tricky situations under the best circumstances, but there are several pitfalls you should avoid when co-parenting with a narcissist. Recognize that your child’s needs and best interests should always be of top importance. By keeping this in mind, you are less likely to fall victim to the traps that would bring out the worst in the narcissistic co-parent.
Below are things to avoid when co-parenting with a narcissistic ex:
Excess Conflict & Arguments
If it seems like co-parenting with a narcissistic ex is a never-ending battle, this is because doing so is. In addition, narcissists may cherish chaos, especially when it gives them attention. So, instead of giving your narcissistic ex attention, try ignoring their behavior altogether.
Using Children as Messengers
As a parent, it’s your responsibility to limit putting your children at the center of your relationship issues.4 Avoid placing pressure on your children to communicate with your ex on your behalf. Some kids will happily oblige in being a messenger, but that eagerness often comes from a place of wanting to please you. Other kids will ignore their parent’s requests, lie about the information, or resent the parent.
Criticizing or Name-Calling
Even if you know your ex does it, try your very best to avoid speaking poorly about them in front of the children. Research describes this form of bashing as "parental alientation", which can have damaging effects on kids. Instead, try to remain calm when talking about the narcissistic parent. If your children mention how your ex bad-mouths you, avoid retaliation. You can dispute rumors if they aren’t true (or are otherwise inappropriate or degrading), but you should not become overly reactive or defensive. Sometimes as hard as it is, you have to simply be the bigger person vs trying to prove the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Unfortunetly Narcassists are typically pathological liars and can do it with a straight face and without any remorse or regret. It can even be a part of their occupation and they are trained to do it or many of them believe their own lies that they have conjured up in their minds.
Becoming Afraid or Giving In
When co-parenting with a narcissist, it is essential that you hold your ground, stick to your principles, and follow any arrangements set in your co-parenting agreement. Keeping steady can throw the narcissist off-balance as they use others’ distress to maintain or gain control. Don’t give them ammunition or an advantage in any situation, especially when having children with a narcissist.
Trying to Control Everything
There is no way that anyone can manage control of everything, particularly when co-parenting with a narcissist. Rather than exhaust yourself by being a micromanager, focus on the big things that are most important to your child’s welfare. Don’t make mountains out of molehills. Let little things slide, but keep a record of your co-parent’s communications and missteps. Maintain focus on the things you can control.
Challenges of Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
No matter how invested you are or strong your own parenting skills may be, it can be extremely challenging to co-parent with a narcissist. Recognizing these difficulties ahead of time can help you determine the best method of approach.
Challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist may include:
They Are Hypersensitive to Your Criticism
While a narcissistic co-parent will work hard to present a tough-as-steel persona, their big ego is as fragile as eggshells. When they receive any type of feedback that implies they have made a mistake or need guidance, this cuts them to the core. They may act out when criticized and respond by putting you down.
They Make You Look Like the ‘Bad Guy’
Narcissists are not only unable to accept constructive feedback, but they also blame others for their mistakes. If they want to do something that is detrimental to your children, they will continually try to convince you how “fun” it will be. When you still refuse their wishes, a narcissistic co-parent will communicate to the children that you’re the “bad guy” for keeping them from having fun.
They Manipulate You & Your Children
A narcissistic co-parent will employ a variety of narcissistic manipulative tactics. Narcissists may try to convince you to switch visitation times. However, they will try to convince you that this is in your own, or the children’s, best interest. If your narcissistic ex makes a decision in their own favor, they will work to persuade you that the kids would prefer things that way or even worse...communicate it with the children first and then if you show any push back you are now the "bad guy."
They Prioritize Their Own Needs
When co-parenting with a narcissist, remember that they will be unashamedly self-centered. They are entirely unable to see what would best serve anyone else. In turn, even the narcissist’s co-parenting responsibilities may take a back seat to their ego. They make up their own rules and do as they please despite what is in the best interest of the children. They use the children as leverage to try upset you because they know their only way of controlling you at this point in regards to the children.
How do you Protect Your Children
Your singular focus in co-parenting with a narcissist should be the well-being of your children. By putting their needs first, you are modeling skills and behaviors that will serve them well as they grow up. There are some basic ways to ensure that they are protected from any fallout or damage that comes from co-parenting with a narcissist.
Watch what you say about your ex: Children fare better when they are not exposed to one parent’s denigration or belittling of the other parent. Children identify with their parents, so when a parent is insulted, they may feel that they are being insulted, too. It's not limited to verbal expression either. I unfortunetly wear my emotions on my sleeve and have had to work to get better at that. If texts or emails from your ex are typically harassing or bullying in nature, set them up to come through at a particular time of the day and that way if you're spending time with your children and a message comes through that may make you upset, it won't affect your time with your kids nor will they see you upset or frustrated.
Watch for signs of abuse: Always be alert to any signs of abuse after they spend time with the narcissistic co-parent. Also note if there are behavioral signs, such as regression or withdrawal.
Stay consistent: Children crave routine and predictability. When they are being co-parented, it can be confusing if rules shift between homes. Help support your children by ensuring they know the expectations when at your house.
Offer a safe space: Make sure your home is always experienced as a safe space by your child. Children are sometimes unable to express their emotions, so by having a space where they are free to be themselves, they will benefit.
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